Religion - Believe It or Not
I was not born believing in God. On the other hand, I also was not born disbelieving in him either. I was a clean slate that knew nothing of religion or a higher power. I just was.
A month after my birth I became a Roman Catholic. It was not my choice as I was only a month old. This was the choice of my parents. A choice that had been forced on them by their parents and so on back to wherever my line started. Except, I became the end of the line. I stepped outside of religion and made my own choice in what I believed. God did not win. Or, at least then, I believed he didn’t. Now, I am not so sure.
I did all the regular Catholic sacraments – First Communion, Confession and Confirmation. Though the latter didn’t happen till I was in my thirties and it was my choice. At the time I was very into Catholicism and the Church. My mother-in-law was my sponsor and, due to my Bishop being in the hospital, my pastor is the one who confirmed me. Though I made my Confirmation with teenagers it was a very emotional and moving experience for me. The name I chose – Magdalene.
That may have been the start of my disillusionment with the Church. I started to realize that, the ones who were important to Christianity were not well loved by it. I am talking about the women. Where would the Church have been if Mary had said no when asked to carry God’s child? Who was standing at the foot of the cross when Jesus died? Who did Jesus show himself to first when he rose from the dead?
Yet, women are second class citizens in the Church and that did not sit well with me.
My other issue is Judas. Here is a man who does what is foretold and all he ends up with is death and damnation. Or so I was taught. Again, where would the Church be if Judas hadn’t betrayed Jesus? There would have been no crucifixion, no rising from the dead. There would be no Christianity. Yet, Judas is looked on as evil, when all he was doing was God’s work – much like Jesus himself was doing by agreeing to be crucified.
I was taught that Judas went to Hell. Which never made sense to me. Murderers and child molesters could sincerely confess their sins and be forgiven by God and yet, this man who did what was expected of him, couldn’t be forgiven? That’s when I started looking at God as someone who made up different rules for different people.
Looking for answers, I started reading. I read about other religions – old and new. I started questioning why, if the man has been around for so long a period, did the “One True God” not show himself until a few thousand years ago? Even the first commandment mentions that God knew there were other gods because how else could you worship no other god before him? Is God that egotistical that he can’t share the wealth? Or is it that his believers don’t think that other people get the right to decide what they believe in?
Christianity started sounding like a five year old that didn’t want to share their toys.
Slowly I slid away from the Church and became Pagan. While I read some of the more popular books on Wicca and witchcraft, I knew that I had enough of people telling me how to practice my beliefs so I made it up as I went along. And for a few decades it worked.
Until I started reading – again. I also started watching debates between Atheists and the religious. Atheists started to make more and more sense. This is where I am today. Though there is a problem or maybe problem is the wrong work. Perhaps disconnect is a better term. I don’t know if it is because I always had a belief in something, I now am wondering why I have lost faith in anything.
So once again I am doing what has brought about my spiritual changes in the past – I am reading. This time I am reading the Bible. Will I find the faith I lost? Perhaps it will make me realize that not believing in God makes the most sense. I have no clue but I guess that I will find out.
One way or another.
A month after my birth I became a Roman Catholic. It was not my choice as I was only a month old. This was the choice of my parents. A choice that had been forced on them by their parents and so on back to wherever my line started. Except, I became the end of the line. I stepped outside of religion and made my own choice in what I believed. God did not win. Or, at least then, I believed he didn’t. Now, I am not so sure.
I did all the regular Catholic sacraments – First Communion, Confession and Confirmation. Though the latter didn’t happen till I was in my thirties and it was my choice. At the time I was very into Catholicism and the Church. My mother-in-law was my sponsor and, due to my Bishop being in the hospital, my pastor is the one who confirmed me. Though I made my Confirmation with teenagers it was a very emotional and moving experience for me. The name I chose – Magdalene.
That may have been the start of my disillusionment with the Church. I started to realize that, the ones who were important to Christianity were not well loved by it. I am talking about the women. Where would the Church have been if Mary had said no when asked to carry God’s child? Who was standing at the foot of the cross when Jesus died? Who did Jesus show himself to first when he rose from the dead?
Yet, women are second class citizens in the Church and that did not sit well with me.
My other issue is Judas. Here is a man who does what is foretold and all he ends up with is death and damnation. Or so I was taught. Again, where would the Church be if Judas hadn’t betrayed Jesus? There would have been no crucifixion, no rising from the dead. There would be no Christianity. Yet, Judas is looked on as evil, when all he was doing was God’s work – much like Jesus himself was doing by agreeing to be crucified.
I was taught that Judas went to Hell. Which never made sense to me. Murderers and child molesters could sincerely confess their sins and be forgiven by God and yet, this man who did what was expected of him, couldn’t be forgiven? That’s when I started looking at God as someone who made up different rules for different people.
Looking for answers, I started reading. I read about other religions – old and new. I started questioning why, if the man has been around for so long a period, did the “One True God” not show himself until a few thousand years ago? Even the first commandment mentions that God knew there were other gods because how else could you worship no other god before him? Is God that egotistical that he can’t share the wealth? Or is it that his believers don’t think that other people get the right to decide what they believe in?
Christianity started sounding like a five year old that didn’t want to share their toys.
Slowly I slid away from the Church and became Pagan. While I read some of the more popular books on Wicca and witchcraft, I knew that I had enough of people telling me how to practice my beliefs so I made it up as I went along. And for a few decades it worked.
Until I started reading – again. I also started watching debates between Atheists and the religious. Atheists started to make more and more sense. This is where I am today. Though there is a problem or maybe problem is the wrong work. Perhaps disconnect is a better term. I don’t know if it is because I always had a belief in something, I now am wondering why I have lost faith in anything.
So once again I am doing what has brought about my spiritual changes in the past – I am reading. This time I am reading the Bible. Will I find the faith I lost? Perhaps it will make me realize that not believing in God makes the most sense. I have no clue but I guess that I will find out.
One way or another.
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